Welcome to The Center for Integrated Grief
Our founder is a thanatologist!
Carolyn Gartner is a former hospice social worker, now a therapist in private practice and a fellow in thanatology. Thanatology is the academic study of death dying and bereavement; though when we pause to think about it it should be dying death and bereavement. It is good to pause and think about things to process them, and kind of examine them. That's part of the therapeutic process. She created the Center for Integrated Grief so that we could serve more people from a place of function and intuition, it's science and art. We have a clinical skill set and we connect and attune with our clients from a very human place. So welcome, and we're here to support you and serve you.
Thank you!
Our Welcome Video on YouTube!
A Night of Remembrance: NJ Water Lantern Festival
A Grieving Client Shares A Story
The serene atmosphere of New Jersey's Water Lantern Festival transformed the night into a canvas of flickering lights and heartfelt memories. A griever shared her beautiful experience with us. Her heart, though heavy, was filled with a desire to honor the memory of her beloved family member who had passed away. With careful hands, she adorned her lantern with beautiful colors and a heartfelt message to her loved one. She felt a connection as if they were right there beside her, encouraging her to remember the joy rather than just the sorrow. It was a moment of release, a way of honoring her feelings and letting go while still holding on to the love that would forever remain in her heart. As the lanterns illuminated the night, they served as a symbol of hope, reminding us all that we are never truly alone, even in our most difficult moments.
"Know all the theories, master all the techniques, but as you touch a human soul be just another human soul." -Carl Jung
Clinical Therapy Assessment For All Clients
What to Expect in Your First Therapy Session
Hello and Welcome
Grief therapist Carolyn here. This is Part III of the Assessment Series. This video covers how we conduct all initial
assessment for all clients, not just folks who come to us for grief.
Our initial assessments are informed by our work as hospice social workers. All social workers
are taught how to do a bio-psycho-social-spiritual and in hospice we add financial. In therapy we don’t add the financial part.
Biological - Not biography. Certainly true for chronically ill folks. So, what is their level of functioning, pain, etc. And this is important for everyone, I had a client referred to me by his primary care physician. He was at home and thought he was having a heart attack and called 911 - it a panic attack. However, he does have high blood pressure. In addition to exercise, I was part of the prescription from his doctor.
Pscyho- For psychological - history of depression, anxiety, grief, suicide, eating disorder, substance abuse. Family hx too.
Social - support systems or lack of support. Part of this is PIE - a very social worker theory - person in environment. This can also be a clue to disenfranchised grief - for our grievers. Spiritual or religious- does the person have a belief system? Has it been helpful? Is there religious dissonance within the person or within the family?
All mental health assessments should include religion or spirituality. In hospice and in grief it’s particularly important. I also ask people what do they believe happens to us after we die? Heaven + Hell? Reincarnation? Or just go into the ground? We use that in work as well.
We are listening for the
1) interpersonal: relationships, work, family, social media
2) intrapersonal: your internal
We want to pull it all together to support you here at The Center for Integrated Grief
Here is a link to the video:
Clip from American Tributaries Interview
Carolyn's Work as a Hospice Social Worker
The New York Times did an article about a funeral home, the one they interviewed which was one of many, or one of some that had no place to put people's dead bodies, so that was a funeral home I knew really well. I had them on speed dial, they had me on speed dial. They had done me favors before with clients. I knew them and so it was just really terrible and it was really hard because it was a job that I had loved so much and had felt- you know when you have a job that you're good at and you feel good about and you feel you're helping people. That just so quickly turned into just a really hard time.
Remote Grief Group
For those Grieving the Loss of A Loved One
Have you lost a family member recently? Or a loved one within 3 years? Would you like to gain some support and insight through your healing journey?
Our holistic approach aims to foster a deeper understanding of personal grief and build resilience through shared experiences and therapeutic practices. Our sessions focus on different aspects of coping with loss, exercises to help participants to manage their emotions and physical responses, and activities to encourage self-expression and reflection. We aim to facilitate participants to process their grief in a safe and supportive environment.
Details: 6 remote sessions (starting at the end of September/beginning of October)
Time: 7pm-8pm
Participants: Individuals, who have suffered from a loss of a family member/loved one within 3 years
Cost: We take some insurance. Private pay is $25/session.
Please email: info@integratedgrief.com if you are interested to know more.
Tips for Caregivers: Tech Adverse Parents
Caring for Older Parents
“Can I Ground My 87-Year-Old Parents?”
Usually, when I talk about grounding, it’s from a calming, rooted, meditative place. But today, I want to talk about a different kind of grounding… the kind where we want to ground our parents.
Many Gen X-ers and older Millennials are finding themselves in the in-between space—still raising kids or building careers while slowly stepping into the role of caregiver for aging parents.
One of my clients, who gave me permission to share this, came into a session and opened with, “I want to ground my parents.”
When she was 17—before cell phones—she was expected to check in when she was out with friends. If she didn’t call, her parents would wait up, worry, and ground her.
Fast-forward to today: her parents are now 87. Her dad is the primary caregiver for her mom, who has health challenges. One Saturday, she went to visit. During the visit, Dad wasn’t feeling well—his blood pressure was low. She stayed for a bit, made sure he was okay, and when it stabilized, she went back home to her family.
The next day, she called. No answer.
Called again. Still no answer.
All day Sunday—nothing.
By Monday, she was at work, calling through meetings and breaks—no answer. Her brain started going there: What if…? What if something happened?
Finally, that evening, her dad picked up—“Oh, everything’s fine.”
She came into session, exasperated: “Can I ground my 87-year-old parents?!”
We laughed, but of course, what she was voicing is something so many caregivers feel: the beginning of role reversal. That blurry, often uncomfortable middle space where we shift from being cared for to becoming the caretaker.
It doesn’t usually happen in a single moment. It sneaks in slowly—through a health scare, a missed call, a change in routine. And in that middle ground, there are tensions:
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Parents may feel like their children are being bossy or overbearing.
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Adult children feel worry, frustration, fear.
Navigating this requires compassion and communication. Sometimes feelings get hurt. Sometimes boundaries need to shift.
And sometimes… we just need to vent.
That’s what therapy and caregiver support groups are for.
Before I go, I want to share a few tech tips some families have found helpful (and no, I’m not getting paid to promote them—though maybe I should! 😉):
🔹 AirTags:
If your parents are loyal to their flip phones, you can attach an AirTag to the phone. It gives you peace of mind—are they at home? Did they go out? Have they been gone too long?
🔹 Jitterbug Phones:
This is a simplified smartphone with large print, designed for older adults. Great if your parents are willing to upgrade from the flip.
🔹 5G iPads:
For families without Wi-Fi, a 5G-enabled iPad can be a lifeline—especially for staying connected to distant family members. One of my client’s parents used it to FaceTime with a sibling who had a cancer diagnosis. It made all the difference.
These aren’t perfect solutions, but they can make things just a little easier as we all learn to navigate this shifting terrain.
If you’re in this caregiving stage, I see you. You’re not alone.
End of life Signs and Symptoms: A Caregivers Guide
Understanding Dying Heals Grief
Dying is a natural part of life but many people do not have experience caring for someone during the dying process and find themselves navigating through new and unfamiliar territory.
It is not uncommon to experience a wide range of emotions and a sense of uncertainty. At times you may feel that you are on a roller coaster not knowing what to expect next. This video is designed to help you feel more confident in knowing what to expect and what you can do to care for someone in the final weeks and hours of life possible signs and symptoms of approaching death because each person's dying process is unique to him or her.
The outline is only a general guide, people may exhibit some or all of these signs and symptoms at varying times. 1 to 2 weeks: disorientation and confusion, use of symbolic language such as I want to go home, I'm getting on the airplane, and talking to others not present in the room. Physical changes: increase or decrease in pulse, decrease in blood pressure, changes in skin color, irregularities in breathing, changes in body temperature hot or cold, not eating taking little or no fluids, days to hours sleeping most of the time, a surge of energy, restlessness, difficulty swallowing, further discoloration of skin, ongoing changes in breathing such as long pauses between breaths rattling breath sounds, weak pulse, further decrease in blood pressure, decreased urine output or no urine, and eyelids no longer able to close completely. Minutes: shallow breaths with longer pauses, mouth open, and unresponsive.
Moment of death: it is important to discuss with family members, caregivers, and friends, what to do if they are present at the time of death. No one can accurately predict when death may occur, some people die when others are present some take their last breaths when they are alone. What you can do: please contact hospice a nurse will visit, please note that other team members may provide assistance as needed. When the person has died there will be no breathing or heartbeat there will be no response to your voice or touch.
Each person's dying experience is unique, and no one can fully predict what it will be like or when it will occur. We hope the information contained in this video will provide some landmarks to help guide the way. It is our goal to respect the dignity of each person by providing quality comfort care.
The Tools- The Black Sun
Free yourself from impulses like overeating, using alcohol or drugs, or compulsively checking your phone with the Black Sun.
Cues to Use the Tool
• Use this tool at the moment Part X (your inner enemy) floods you with any kind of self-defeating urge—to reach for ice cream or potato chips, check your email, lose your temper, etc. Used repeatedly, this tool will train you to stop giving in to these impulses and turn inward instead.
• Most of the time we're not indulging our impulses; instead, we're looking forward to the moment we will give in, like having that drink or smoking a joint at the end of the day. Use the Black Sun the moment you feel yourself slipping into one of these anticipatory fantasies.
The Tool in Brief
1. Deprivation Feel the deprivation of not getting what you want, as intensely as possible. Then let go of the thing you want. Forget about the outside world as a source of anything that will fill you up inside; let it disappear.
2. Emptiness Look inside yourself. What was a feeling of deprivation is now an endless void. Face it. Remain calm and still.
3. Fullness From the depths of the void, imagine a Black Sun ascends, expanding inside until you become one with its warm, limitless energy.
4. Giving Redirect your attention to the outside world. The Black Sun energy will overflow, surging out of you. As it enters the world, it becomes a pure, white light of infinite giving.
The Tools- Sacred Observation
BACKGROUND - Based on the idea that deep down buried in each person's unconscious is a babyish part of you that wants what it wants and can’t tolerate being denied, everyone has this part, Part X, the negative Ego, whatever you call it, it experiences boundaries as a personal affront. You can learn a lot about this by observing little kids. When you say this to a little kid they act as if they’re going to die. And that’s what Part X is saying to us on a deep level, I cannot survive this boundary.
Now here is where things get interesting. To reach full adulthood, every human being must master this part of themselves, if they don’t master this part of themselves they remain 2 years old emotionally forever, what does mastery mean, despite the babyish part of myself, I am not going to get what I want, I am disappointed, but I’m not destroyed. That’s mastery. When you say no, you trigger the babyish part of the other person, and the other person has to learn to master that, which leads to a really strange conclusion, when you say no, you’re giving the other person an opportunity to grow and to gain true mastery, but that can’t happen if you don’t maintain the boundary.
If you go back, supply them with explanations, and try to win the battle for him, you’re depriving them of an opportunity for them to learn and grow and to learn that no is survivable, you’re actually impeding the maturation process that they need to go through in order to flourish. You can observe the struggle, you can hope that they overcome the demon, but if you open the boundary, and try to win the struggle for them or if in any way vibe out that you are responsible, you’re keeping them in a child-like position dependent on you instead of on themselves.
That’s why the tool is called Sacred Observation, it’s not called Sacred Rescuing or Sacred Helping or Sacred Saving, you are watching the sacred struggle in the other person and the babyish entitled part of themselves, but you are observing not participating in that struggle. It’s a weird wacky upside-down part of life, if you try to help them, you are actually harming them, you are taking the victory away from them and keeping them young and immature and dependent on you.
GOAL - observe the struggle without intervening in the struggle or even being invested in its outcome. It's their struggle to win or lose not yours.
3 STEPS
1. DISTANCE - observe the other person struggling with their demon from a distance. Just enough distance that you’re not in the struggle with them.
2. AWE - in this step, you will acknowledge and feel how much of an honor it is to witness someone else’s struggle with their demon.
3. GOODWILL - you’re just going to send them love and support in the struggle regardless of the outcome.
To teach you the tool I need you to think about a situation where you should be seeing a boundary. It could be a situation where you need to say no and the other person is not going to like or you’ve already said no and you’re tempted to go back on it, bc you can see that the other person is angry or in pain, take a moment, choose a situation and then close your eyes. Every time you feel this feeling after setting a boundary or going back on a boundary (guilt, anger, shame, disappointment, letting someone down) use this tool. Make them as intense as if they were happening right now.
NOW USE SACRED OBSERVATION
1. DISTANCE - imagine that they are struggling with their inner demon that struggle is there for them to win or lose, accordingly, I want you to keep your distance, I suggest you see yourself in the upper row of an operating theater, so you are in an elevated position to see the other person down there in the pit struggling with their demon, you can observe but you must not intervene. A little sense of elevation like you’re not there in the pit with them.
2. AWE - try to feel a sense of wonder that you have been allowed to observe this deep, sacred, inner struggle. It’s like being given a front-row seat to a life-changing battle that this person is engaging with the worst part of themselves and it's an honor to witness this struggle. It would be intrusive to affect its outcome.
3. GOODWILL - feel your heart expand with love and goodwill toward the other person. Wish them well. Surround them with love. Your sole responsibility is to honor their struggle with Part X. And you want to send them love even if they lose even if they don’t fight as much as you think they should.
Grief Poem
Poet Moe Phillips reflects on the loss of her brother
Grief Stands Vigil
in hollowed out hearts.
Everything thrown into question.
Condolences mean-
There is nothing more to say.
Comfort comes offering
the gift of memory.
Past tense is about to be
the new now
Grief Counseling: The Benefits of Talking
Coping With Grief
Grief is love with nowhere to go. It can feel like an overwhelming darkness, a profound sadness that envelops your every moment. Yet, it is a natural and universal response to loss, whether through the death of a loved one or other significant life changes. While the journey through grief is intensely personal, the support of a therapist or a group can offer a transformative path forward. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can significantly lessen feelings of isolation, and engaging with a therapist who specializes in grief can provide the guidance needed to navigate this challenging
terrain.
In grief therapy, we recognize that every individual's experience is unique, and we approach each client not just as someone who is grieving, but as a whole person with a rich tapestry of experiences and emotions. We work from a strengths-based perspective, aiming to support post-traumatic growth when the time is right. This approach is not about moving past grief but integrating it into your life in a way that allows you to continue living fully.
Therapists help individuals to articulate their feelings and give structure to the seemingly chaotic experience of grief. It is common for people to seek grief therapy, particularly in the second year after a loss, a period when the initial shock has worn off and the reality of the new normal begins to settle in. This phase often brings a visceral recognition of the permanence of loss, marked by the painful milestones of experiencing all the firsts without the loved one— the first birthday, the first spring, and other significant firsts that remind us of the absence.
A key model used in grief therapy is known as The Three Rs: Retelling the story, Rebuilding your life, and Reinventing yourself. This model guides you through the process of narrating your experience, which can be therapeutic in itself. It helps in reconstructing a life that feels shattered and assists in redefining one's identity in the wake of a significant loss.
A grief therapist supports you in this journey, facilitating a space where you can honor your loved one and establish continuing bonds in new and meaningful ways. Meaning-making is another crucial aspect of grief therapy. It involves finding or creating significance in the wake of loss that is deeply personal and resonant. This can manifest in simple yet profound activities such as cooking a loved one’s favorite meal on their birthday or preserving items that hold sentimental value, like a movie poster that symbolizes a special memory. These acts of remembrance play a vital role in the healing process, offering comfort and connection to the past while supporting ongoing life engagement.
Many clients report feeling a sense of relief even after just an initial consultation before formal therapy begins. This relief often comes from understanding that there is a supportive path forward, that there is someone who acknowledges their pain and offers not just sympathy but strategic support. The very act of making time for grief, of acknowledging its impact, is itself a healing gesture.
The overarching goal of grief counseling and therapy is to integrate the experience of loss into one’s life. We often speak of this process as integrating grief and love. It’s not about forgetting the loved one or moving on in a way that implies leaving them behind. Instead, it's about weaving the love and sadness into the fabric of your heart, enabling you to remember your loved one while continuing to live a meaningful and fulfilled life. Therapy addresses the dual needs of dealing with deep emotional pain and developing day-to-day coping strategies.
Accessing and expressing deep-seated emotions like sadness is essential—it’s important to allow these feelings to surface and to experience them fully. At the same time, we also focus on how clients are managed from one day to the next, providing tools and techniques to help them cope with the practicalities of everyday life. Remember, the potential for healing lies within you. Your grief therapist is there to help you access it.
Exploring the Healing Power of Music Therapy
By: Sophie Woods
In a recent insightful video, Sophie Woods, a music psychotherapist based in New York State, shares her passion for music therapy and its transformative potential. As a clinical and evidence-based practice, music therapy utilizes music to achieve non-music-related goals, making it a unique approach to healing and personal growth.
Sophie begins by discussing the educational pathway to becoming a music therapist. She explains that aspiring therapists typically pursue a bachelor's degree in music therapy, which takes about four years to complete. Following this, students must engage in a 1200-hour clinical internship to gain hands-on experience in the field. Upon completion of the internship, graduates are required to pass a music therapy board certification exam. Successfully passing this exam grants them the title of Board Certified Music Therapist (MT-BC), a credential that is essential for practicing music therapy.
However, in New York State, the landscape is slightly different. Here, music therapists are recognized under the title of licensed creative arts therapists (LCAT). New York law stipulates that psychotherapists, including music therapists, must hold a master’s degree. To become a creative arts therapist, individuals can pursue a graduate program in music therapy, drama therapy, art therapy, dance movement therapy, or poetry therapy. After completing the program, they need to apply for a limited permit to practice, which involves completing 1500 supervised hours as a clinical creative arts therapist. Upon fulfilling these requirements, they can obtain their license and officially enter the field.
One of the key points Sophie emphasizes is the importance of self-reflection in understanding our relationship with music. She encourages viewers to consider how music influences their emotions and experiences. For instance, think about how you feel when a familiar song plays or the sensations you experience while playing an instrument. Attending a concert and immersing yourself in live music can also evoke powerful emotions. By asking yourself these questions, you can gain valuable insights into how music shapes your interactions with the world and yourself.
Sophie’s insights not only shed light on the intricate relationship between music and emotions but also invite individuals to explore whether a career in creative arts therapy might be a fulfilling path for them. The unique blend of creativity and therapeutic practice offers a rewarding opportunity for those passionate about helping others through the power of music.
American Music Therapy Association
Grief Therapist Leslie
Grief Therapist Leslie Introduces Herself
Hello and Welcome!
I’m Leslie, a therapist at the Center for Integrated Grief and I’d like to introduce myself.
I have several years of hospice experience under my belt— end of life is a passion for me. My background is that I was trained as an actor-I graduated from NYU. My acting experience taught me to sit with big emotions. I loved the storytelling aspect and how people’s stories affect how they behave and move
through the world. In fact, it was when I had to study sides for a part of a young mother who lost a child, I embraced the part so well, a classmate suggested I would be really good for this work. Additionally, Compassion for self and others was an important lesson I learned through my experiences. I bring that to my work with clients.
Thank you for listening.
We’re here for you.
Grief Assessment Part I
Grief Assessment Factors
Hello and Welcome!
Grief therapist Carolyn here, founder of The Center for Integrated Grief.
Part I of the Assessment Series
This video is going to give you an idea of what to expect in your 1st session with us if you are coming to us for grief therapy. I’ll talk about the factors that affect grief. This is separate from the bio-psycho-social-spiritual that is standard in a mental health evaluation. I’ll talk about those in another video. Here, we will focus on grief factors only. Not in any particular order. I’m going to name all of them and then go back and explain In the next video.
-Age of griever, age of their person
-How the person died and how does the griever perceive the death? traumatic? peaceful?
-How long ago did the person die?
-The relationship of the griever to their person. Parent/child, siblings, romantic partner, grew up together
-The quality of the relationship
-Complex feelings: blame, shame, resentment or intrusive thoughts.
Then we get into Prolonged Grief Disorder, which I’ll talk more about in another video.
Here's a link to the video:
Grief Assessment Part II
Explanation of Grief Factors
Hello,
Grief therapist Carolyn here. This is part II of the grief assessment series to explain the factors:
-Age of griever and age of their person
We apply the theory of Grief Across the lifespan. This isn’t just kids versus adults. When we are working with adults who are 25 years old and in a very different life stage than a 45-year-old versus a 65-year-old. We fold in the modalities of The 3 R’s: Retelling, Reinventing, and Rebuilding your life, and Erik Erikson’s 8 Psychosocial stages of development.
Including:
-How the person died and does the griever perceive the death as traumatic?
Examples of this: Accidents are violent. Accidents - we don’t know what happened, but imagine the person suffered- are very upsetting to grievers, young people caring for their person and having to do medical care or medical trauma from the hospital, taking someone off of life support, decision to stop giving liquids.
-What was the end-of-life process like and how does the griever perceive this?
-How long ago did the person die?
If it has been over a year, we assess for Prolonged Grief Disorder, which is not pathologizing
and I’ll tackle that big topic in another video.
-The relationship of the griever to their person. Parent/child, siblings, romantic partner, someone I grew up with and it’s shaking my sense of security, safety, and mortality. Or was this someone they always looked up to and “had it all.” How could this happen?
-The quality of the relationship:
Was there abuse? Was this person their main support? Was there co-dependence? I have seen a few cases where a woman flourishes after her husband dies because he was emotionally abusive or even just shut her down over and over for 30 years.
-Complex feelings:
Blame, shame, resentment or intrusive thoughts that block productive grieving.
So those are the factors we assess during our evaluation.
Here's a link to the video:
Nancy's List - Support for Grief and Bereavement
Nancy's Coping with Grieving a Diagnosis
In a heartfelt blog post titled "Community Call to Action" , Nancy shares her inspiring journey of recovery from stage 4 ovarian cancer and her mission to ensure that no one faces cancer alone. Her story serves as a powerful reminder of the impact that community support can have on individuals battling this disease.
Nancy reflects on her experience in 2004 when she was diagnosed with cancer while living in Marin County, an area grappling with a high incidence of cancer. Recognizing the fear and uncertainty faced by her neighbors, she took it upon herself to create a supportive network. This initiative began with a gathering of five young women who, despite their healthy lifestyles, were deeply affected by the cancer diagnoses of their friends. Their shared concerns led to the formation of a think tank, where they envisioned a community-driven response to the cancer epidemic.
The response was overwhelming: a desire to come together and support those in need. Nancy highlights how this collective effort blossomed into a vibrant community, where neighbors helped each other with everything from transportation to emotional support. The initiative grew, involving local schools, musicians, and businesses, all contributing to the well-being of families facing cancer.
From community forums on nutrition to exercise programs and heartfelt gestures like handmade valentines for hospitalized children, the collaborative spirit of the community shone brightly. Nancy emphasizes that the healing power of connection cannot be understated, especially in times of fear and isolation.
As a part of this supportive network, our practice, The Center for Integrated Grief, is proudly listed on Nancy’s directory of supportive practitioners and healing centers. We share her vision of fostering a caring community where everyone affected by cancer can find solace, strength, and companionship.
To visit Nancy's website, click here!
Our YouTube Channel Has Videos on Grief, Loss, and Hospice
Videos on Grief and Loss
Journey of Togetherness: A Tool for Grief
Trauma and Grief with Ruth Habbouch, LMHC
Widows Fire: Sexuality After Partner Loss
Humanistically Universalized Grief (HUG) with Dr. Jared Garcia
Thanatology Themes Episode 2: Jillian M. Blueford, PhD
Meet Our Death Doulas:
Videos on Hospice:
Role of a Hospice Social Worker
Hospice Admissions Process Part 1
End of Life Signs and Symptoms: A Caregivers Guide
Thanatology Themes: Anna Jenkins
Intimacy + Sexuality During Illness & Loss
Aging Life Care Manager - Annie Gross
Videos for Coping Tools:
The Traffic Cop - A Visualization Tool for Focus
Heal From Burnout, Build Resilience:
Burn Bright Heal From Burnout Part 1 with Charlene Rhymsha
Clinician's - Transform Your Grief Counseling Practice
Carolyn Offers CE's
Carolyn is offering 2 different CE's in the month of March for clinicians.
Carolyn's Advice for Hospice Social Work Interns
Here is the link: https://www.fieldanxiety.com/myths-pitfalls
Forms of Grief
Types of Loss
Grief is a universal experience, yet profoundly personal. It can stem from the passing of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or an unexpected life change. Loss shapes us in ways we often struggle to articulate, and the grieving process is not linear. It ebbs and flows, sometimes catching us off guard. By exploring different types of loss and the many forms grief can take, we can navigate our own experiences with greater understanding and compassion.
Loss does not always come in the form of death. It can take many shapes, from the passing of someone close to the end of a relationship or a major life transition that leaves us questioning our identity. The loss of security, whether through financial struggles or losing a home, can be just as destabilizing. Even unfulfilled dreams can bring deep grief, as can changes in health that alter our sense of self. Each of these losses, while unique, has the potential to shape our lives in unexpected ways, teaching us resilience and the importance of processing grief in our own time.
Grief itself does not follow a set pattern, nor does it always look the way we expect. Traumatic grief can arise when a loss is sudden or violent, making it difficult to process. Prolonged grief lingers and interferes with daily life, while disenfranchised grief occurs when society does not fully recognize or validate a person’s mourning, such as after the loss of a pet or an ex-partner. Physical grief is another reality, as sorrow can manifest in fatigue, body aches, and even illness. Anticipatory grief happens when we begin mourning before a loss occurs, such as when a loved one is terminally ill. When multiple losses happen in a short period, cumulative grief can compound emotions, making healing even more challenging. In times of collective grief—whether caused by a natural disaster, war, or pandemic—entire communities share the weight of mourning together.
There is no single “correct” way to grieve. Healing happens in its own time, and the most important thing is allowing ourselves to feel, acknowledge the loss, and seek support when needed. Whether through friends, family, therapy, or personal reflection, finding a way to express grief is a vital step in moving forward. Loss changes us, but it does not have to define us. By understanding the many facets of grief, we can approach our healing journey with patience, self-compassion, and hope for the days ahead.
For more answers to common questions about grief, visit our FAQ Section.
Grief Training on the Job
Carolyn's Memoir as a Hospice Social Worker
Death, Brooklyn, and the Gritty Side of Grace is a hospice social worker's journey through her internship in the wilds of Brooklyn. It weaves together various patients' stories and the lessons gleaned from them. She meets a man who dies in his family's living room with nowhere for the body to go; a middle-aged man who angrily, tenaciously fights death (and fights his hospice worker); a cancer patient, who is eerily - frighteningly - similar to her. And the unlikely mentor, a Jamaican nurse, whose friendship provides guidance and spiritual insight. Both darkly comic and spiritually uplifting, it's the story of how immersing herself in death, an irreverent Gen X-er found her life's work.
Click here to listen to my book!
Coping With Grief
Memorializing A Loved One
Honoring the memory of a loved one is a deeply personal journey, and finding a tribute that resonates with your unique relationship can provide comfort and connection. Here are several heartfelt ways to memorialize those who've passed.
Stained Glass Memorials
Incorporating a loved one's image into stained glass art creates a luminous tribute that catches the light and brightens any space. Pawsionate offers personalized suncatchers featuring portraits of cherished pets, allowing their memory to shine beautifully in your home.
Cremation Jewelry
Carrying a part of your loved one with you can be profoundly comforting. Close By Me Jewelry specializes in crafting fine memorial jewelry that encases a small portion of cremation ashes, enabling you to keep your loved one close at all times. Their collection includes necklaces, rings, and bracelets, each thoughtfully designed to honor and remember.
Memory Bears
Transforming clothing or fabric from a loved one into a cuddly bear provides a tangible source of comfort. Etsy artisans create bespoke memory bears from garments, offering a huggable keepsake that embodies the essence of the person you've lost. These bears serve as a heartfelt reminder of their presence and the moments you shared.
Custom Car Wraps and Caskets
For a truly unique tribute, customizing vehicles or caskets with personalized designs can reflect the personality and passions of the departed. Suave Wraps specializes in creating bespoke car wraps and casket designs, allowing for a personalized farewell that celebrates individuality.
Ashes into Diamonds: Companies like Eterneva (link here) can transform cremation ashes into diamonds, creating a lasting and wearable tribute. People honor their late loved ones by creating custom jewelry from their ashes, symbolizing their enduring bond.
Commemorative Tattoos: Incorporating ashes into tattoo ink allows for a permanent and personal memorial. Individuals can memorialize their late spouses by getting tattoos infused with their ashes, ensuring they're always with them.
Choosing a memorial that aligns with your feelings and the essence of your loved one can offer solace and keep their memory alive in your heart. Each of these options provides a unique way to celebrate their life and the impact they had on yours.
Feeling Grief in the Body
Physical Symptoms of Loss
When we think of grief, we often think of sadness, tears, or emotional pain. But grief isn’t just something we feel emotionally—it’s something we carry in our bodies, too. The renowned grief theorist William Worden acknowledged this in his work, recognizing that the experience of loss often comes with a wide range of physical symptoms.
“Grief is not a disease, but it can be exhausting. It affects our body, our mind, and our
spirit.” — J. William Worden, PhD
From his book: Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner
Tiredness. A heavy chest. Tight shoulders. Stomach aches. Headaches. Even shortness of breath. These are all normal and common responses to grief. Worden noted that these somatic symptoms are not just “in our heads”—they’re very real expressions of emotional pain, carried in the body. In German, there’s a word for this: Schmerz. It means pain, but not just physical pain. It carries an emotional weight—like a soul-deep ache that doesn’t always have words. In our practice, we invite people to gently feel into their bodies—to slow down, breathe, and notice what sensations are present. This somatic approach to grief isn’t about fixing anything. It’s about listening. Holding space. Offering compassion to the parts of ourselves that are hurting in ways we may not even fully understand. Grief doesn’t only live in the mind. It lives in the muscles, the nervous system, the breath. And when we tend to it with care, we create space for healing—not by forcing it, but by witnessing it.
Tips for Navigating Somatic Grief:
Place a hand on your heart or belly and just notice your breath. Gently scan your body from head to toe—what feels tight, numb, heavy, or tender? Move slowly: stretch, walk, or sway—whatever helps your body feel. Speak kindly to the parts of you that are hurting. They’re doing their best. Grief is not only a psychological journey—it’s a physical one. And through the language of the body, we can learn to honor our pain in a deeper, more compassionate way.
Watch my YouTube video about a mindful breathing exercise you can do.
Coping with Grief Through Storytelling
Life After Loss
Take a look at this grief dialogue story titled The Sister I Miss, The Sister I Love.
Shared with permission from the author.
How Grief Affects the Brain
What Grief Does to the Brain
Grief Is a Brain-Based Learning Process
According to grief expert Mary-Frances O’Connor, Ph.D., grief is not just an emotional experience—it’s a form of learning. When someone we love dies, our brain must adjust to a new reality where that person no longer exists in our daily life.
"The brain encodes a bond as a 'we'," O'Connor explains. "When that person is gone, it's as if part of us is missing. The brain must learn to live with that absence."
This learning includes:
- Rewiring everyday habits (e.g., no longer picking up the phone to call them).
- Relearning how to function as an individual instead of part of a “we.”
Neurological Effects of Grief
Grief mimics the chronic stress response:
- Activates the fight-or-flight system.
- Increases blood flow to emotional centers of the brain (like the amygdala).
- Reduces access to higher-order thinking areas (like the prefrontal cortex).
This can affect:
Memory
- Attention
- Decision-making
- Verbal processing
- Visuospatial perception
- Information processing speed
Grieving vs. Grief
- Grief is the acute emotional response—overwhelming waves of sadness, anger, or panic.
- Grieving is the adaptive process over time as our brain learns how to live with the absence.
“The 100th wave still hurts,” O’Connor says, “but by the 101st, you recognize it and know you’ll get through.”
Neuroplasticity and Healing
Dr. Lisa Shulman, a neurologist, describes grief as a form of emotional trauma. The brain’s plasticity (its ability to rewire) means it can heal, but only with support.
“Grief is an evolutionary survival mechanism,” Shulman says. “But it can become a hardwired default if left unprocessed.”
Chronic grief and unprocessed loss can lead to:
- Brain fog
- Cognitive disruption
- Sleep issues
- Immune and heart function changes
Pathways to Recovery
Both experts emphasize that grief’s neurological effects are reversible with the right tools:
- Mindfulness & meditation
- Journaling
- Therapy (especially CBT)
- Creative expression
- Social connection
These practices help rebuild emotional regulation, restore cognitive function, and create new neural patterns for living in a changed world.
Navigating Loss: The Role of Grief and Bereavement Counseling
Grief Versus Bereavement
Loss is an inevitable part of life, yet it often leaves us feeling cold and unwelcoming toward the world around us. The warmth and comfort we once knew can seem distant, replaced by pain, confusion, and loneliness. During these difficult times, seeking support can be essential for healing. Two common forms of support are grief counseling and bereavement counseling—both offering guidance, but in distinct ways.
Grief Counseling: A Broader Perspective
Grief counselors are therapists and grief counseling is designed to help individuals cope with loss in its many forms. While we often associate grief with death, it extends far beyond that. The end of a relationship, job loss, significant life changes, or even personal identity shifts can all trigger deep grief.
A grief counselor provides a safe space for individuals to explore their emotions, express their pain, and develop coping strategies. This process allows them to move forward while still honoring their feelings. Unlike bereavement counseling, grief counseling does not solely focus on death but rather on the personal experience of loss in any form.
Grief comes with unique emotional challenges such as guilt, anger, or overwhelming loneliness. Losing a loved one can create an emptiness that feels isolating and impossible to overcome.
Grief counseling helps individuals process these emotions and navigate the phases of grief from modern models such as William Worden or Catherine Sanders. They also provide practical support, assisting with funeral arrangements, family dynamics, and adjusting to life without the deceased. This type of counseling acknowledges the deep and specific pain of death-related loss and offers tailored support to help individuals rebuild their lives.
Bereavement Counseling: Navigating the Death of a Loved One
Bereavement counseling specifically addresses the loss of someone through death. Bereavement counselors are not always therapists. Often, bereavement counseling is offered as part of the Hospice Medicare Benefit after a loved one dies on hospice through a hospital. Bereavement counseling usually takes place in groups, with others with a shared experience.
Why Seek Counseling?
Both grief and bereavement counseling provide structured support during times of emotional upheaval. Whether dealing with the loss of a loved one, a significant change, or an unexpected life transition, counseling can be a source of warmth and guidance in an otherwise cold and unwelcoming period.
Seeking support is not a sign of weakness but rather an act of self-care. Loss is deeply personal, and everyone grieves in their own way. With the right support, healing is possible, and in time, warmth and connection can return to one’s life.
If you or someone you know is struggling with grief or bereavement, reaching out to a professional can be the first step toward healing.
